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The Last Brick

If you missed my brick blog, you could find it here.

 

The last Brick that sent my perfectly crafted wall aka self-prison tumbling – we’ll call him Mr. Non-confrontational/Mr. Non-committal.  We met online {not shaming people that meet online} this was one of the sites where you answer a bunch of questions, so your matches have a higher likelihood of being compatible.  I lived in one state he lived in another.  We messaged back and talked for months before we finally met in person.  The weekend came, it was just a quick plane ride, 45 minutes or so, and he paid for it, reserved a hotel room for me, and picked me up from the airport.  I, of course, sent pics and detailed information to a couple of friends.  This was the start of a three-year whirlwind relationship with not one but two break-ups. The first break up happened about seven months into our dating, I was flying down on a regular basis, and we were taking trips together, I asked the “forbidden” question of where is this going?  I knew, because of his career, I would be the one moving if it was going that direction.  A week later via a Facetime call, he ended the relationship and had his assistant mail me the items I had there. 

 

I was upset, but I didn’t reach out to him, I was not going to chase him {at this point in my life my self-worth had improved – somewhat} in the past I would have tried to win him back.  Shortly after that he sent a text, then we slowly started talking again, and then he invited me on a trip to a resort, as “friends” {of course I went a free trip to the beach – I wasn’t passing that up}.  I was flying in the day before we left and flying out the night we returned, his sister and her husband were flying in for a visit the next day, and he did not want me to meet them.  During the trip, he had a change of heart and asked me to stay the weekend and meet his sister and brother-in-law.  I stayed we all got along, and Mr. Non-commital announced at breakfast he was tired of living his single life and wanted to settle down with me.  I was so excited, we did get along well, his family that I had met so far was great, and I was living this exciting life I hadn’t lived before – vacations, social activities, money was not an issue of how the bills were getting paid.  I didn’t even need to work full-time, he wanted me to be available to travel, and I became a full-time house manager while I worked on creating my own business.  It was a life I had never dreamed I would have.

 

Looking back there were some red flags I chose to ignore; he would take some trips to see particular friends, and I would not accompany him.  His line of work is very male dominated which meant trips to adult entertainment clubs were just part of it {his words}, we didn’t talk much when he was traveling, and our intimacy was sometimes lacking.  What was I to complain about I had it all, the lovely house, a nice car, no worries for money, and I was busy creating my own business – why would I even complain.  Our trips together became less, I started to suggest we needed to spend more time together – take a trip alone, I felt we were drifting apart.  On our anniversary Mr. Non-confrontational came home with a bottle of wine and told me he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship – Mr. Non-committal didn’t want to break up but separate for a bit so he could think.  This was just a month past Valentine’s where I was showered with lovely gifts and a card saying how he couldn’t live without me and I was the best thing that happened to him.  I was so confused, sad, upset, this time I was crying and desperately trying to undo the words he had said.  We had a trip planned with his family the following week  - his words we’ll still go like we’re together – let's not tell the family until I am sure.  I held on to that with all my might – that was my in for us to get back together, I was going to be the perfect girlfriend on that trip and he would realize his words were all wrong.  

 

The trip came and went, I was perfect, no drama his family had no clue we were in limbo, I didn’t dare breathe a word of it.  Shortly after our return, I moved into a subleased apartment so he could think.  We still talked almost daily and had date nights, after two months of this I officially broke it off; the relief on Mr. Non-confrontational's face was pronounced.  He didn’t like conflict, and you could tell he was happy I was the one who did it, no battle, and he didn’t fail at another relationship because I did the official ending.  After I broke it off I did a little “snooping” I couldn’t help myself; I needed to know what happened to my fairy-tell life.  It turned out he had two other women in two other states he would spend time with when Mr. Non-committal traveled, and he had a person locally he would talk to regularly and see regularly on the “work dinners.”  

 

I felt so alone, ashamed, un-wanted, why didn’t anyone want me, I would never be good enough, fat, ugly, undesirable, all those emotions because of course, it wasn’t him at all it was me.  I was the problem, and if I had just been good enough, this wouldn’t have happened.  This sent me into a lonely self-pity party I tried to medicate with, work, TV watching, drinking, and of course back to online dating.  I just kept picking the winners – most of them not even lasting past date one – adding fuel to the “what’s wrong with me pity party.”  The only thing wrong with me was that I was trying to fill my empty void with the wrong thing.  I was living the TRUE definition of insanity in my personal life {my work-life was rocking} no one realized how alone and empty I was feeling in my own life.  I knew I had to take DRASTIC measures – the only thing I could think of was going back to church.  I had been away for so long, but I didn’t know what else to do, I had been watching this girl I knew who went to church regularly, but she didn’t seem judgy, and she also didn’t seem like her life was perfect, but she did seem happy.  I thought maybe this is an option.  I had concluded I could not keep doing what I was doing.

 

Healed by His Grace,

 

Nicole

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