I finally asked my husband to read my blog. He knew I had been working on something but I am not sure he knew what it was and since at some point and time I would be sharing it in FB Land I figured he should take a peek since he’s in it. I was nervous and a little concerned he would “squash” my project. We are both pretty private people when it comes to sharing our world on social media, and this was a whole lotta sharing. His responses were – I can’t believe you are willing to share all that - it’s great your going to help a lot of people I don’t know if I would be able to share that much. Okay, I can live with that, supportive and encouraging. The other comment was surprising to me, he said I don’t view 2017 the same way you do, I feel we were very blessed. It stopped me in my mental tracks, and I pondered this for weeks. Our perspectives were opposite and after further pondering and soul-searching, I realized he was right, and then I felt a sinking feeling, my view was based out of fear. An intense fear I chose not to disclose to my husband and one that probably robbed me of a happier 2017 and a happier first year of marriage.
I was always afraid of marriage – fearful of picking the wrong person – fearful of trusting someone and being left – fearful of reliving the marriage of my parents – just plain afraid. I finally took the plunge; everyone was so happy and excited for me, happier then I was for myself. From my disillusioned perspective when things were starting going “wrong,” it was the confirmation I needed that I had made a big mistake. If I made the right decision none of this would be happening, I would not share everything here, but it was not a decision either one of us took lightly to get married. I wasn’t his first, and I never wanted it, so we both made this decision very seriously. Looking back on the first year of marriage I know it was someone else whispering all those negative thoughts in my ear, someone else telling me it was a mistake, highlighting all the challenges, and trying to rob me from my joy of marriage. Honestly, the enemy did succeed in robbing me some of my joyous moments but entirely failed in breaking up our marriage. My husbands perspective of blessings countered any mental warfare that was going on in my head. And may I just say I am so thankful his beliefs were stronger than mine. I did not make the first year easy on him, I was not as kind as I should have been, and I wasn’t as appreciative as I should have been. I am sure he chalked it up to everything I had been going through – I never shared with him my fears or thoughts that ran rampant through my head. I am so thankful he shared with me his feelings and that he stood by me and was there for me during everything. And now I am blessed and able to extend grace to him the way he extended grace to me.
Be careful that the thoughts you have toward someone else aren’t those of the enemy trying to destroy a relationship that will bring out the best in you. Don’t be like me and waste an entire year because you’re too afraid to share your real thoughts that are running through your head. The better something is for you, the better the enemy will try to destroy it. I can see how we are perfect for each other, I am happy to be married, and I am very blessed indeed.
Thankful for Grace!!