This is an excerpt from a journal shortly after I hit rock bottom, all the thoughts and fears that held me back. The ones that still creep in now and again, the ones I have to be ever vigilant not to allow to rob me of my joy again.
I have made a series of bad choices. I don’t feel I have blamed God for my mistakes/ decisions I have blamed myself. I did not feel love as a child, and it was not my parent’s fault they did the best they could and the best they knew how. My parents had an evil marriage, and it was very physically abusive. I have always been afraid of love and happiness. I have always felt that happiness was not really achievable in a personal sense. Being successful in business and doing good deeds was the only way to feel happy or full. I never dreamed or thought I would get married or have children. That is a fairy tale life and not possible to achieve happiness that way. Growing up in the church I felt judged, and I heard the people judging me and telling me what to do and how to live my life meanwhile they did not live life by their words. As a result, I decided to turn my back to the church and find happiness in my way. Not because I blamed God for anything that happened to me but because I felt that I had to be strong and do everything by myself. There would be no one to help me, support me, or stand beside me. I have lived a life of self-destruction and did not value myself as a person. Deep down inside I really just want to be loved and to have someone in my life that loves me for me and wants nothing in return. I am so afraid that everyone has ulterior motives and that no one will do what they say and say what they do and not offer help and they want something back. I am so afraid of being hurt that I hurt myself. I don’t wish to be alone and sad anymore. I want to be healthy in my body and my spirit and my finances. I want to be the best person I can be. I am worthy of a much better life, and I want to be loved and appreciated.
I will believe that I am worthy and that God wants to help me and that he loves me. I will not look back on the things and choices that I made – what is in the past is in the past. I made mistakes there is no doubt. I cannot control the other people I can only control myself. I cannot blame myself anymore it does not do me any good. I cannot let the past experiences control my future or my happiness. Only I am responsible for being open to a better life. I will be open to help and the right people in my life. I cannot just be a good person it does not fill the emptiness in my heart. I am tired of being empty. I cannot live a life of emptiness anymore. It is not fair to my future or me. I deserve and am worthy to be happy but I cannot do it on my own. I have to reach out to God and ask for help. I don’t know how to reach out to God and ask for help but I will do it anyways. I just want to be happy and to have joy. I cannot be scared any more. I can do this and it will be okay. People love me and they think I am great – I must love myself as much as other people love me. I must be willing to ask for help even though I don’t know exactly what that looks like. I must not listen to the devil anymore. I must surround myself with people who will lift me up and be a positive impact on my life. I will not sell myself short anymore. I will stop making the repeat mistakes I have made. I will believe that I am a great person. I will learn to be spiritual and get rid of the fear.
I fully realize that my way and being Miss Independent is not the best way or the only way. I recognize and know now that I need help and that I am forgiven and that I am worthy of being loved by God and by people. I will no longer dwell on the past and what I have done. In a way I knew better, I did understand better but fear – the enemy – took over and I did what I thought was best. I definitely don’t think it was easier, I think my life was harder because of it. I will make baby steps every day for a better rewarding life. It will not be easy but I know I can do it with help. It is better than feeling alone and empty and starting over all the time. I deserve a happy, positive life knowing that means I cannot do things alone anymore, and I have to ask for help, and I have to be open, and I have to listen to the Holy Spirit. I don’t quite understand everything, but I will embark on the journey and learn along the way. I must find peace and happiness in my life.
Thank you for letting me share, saved by His grace.