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Bricks

 

I was trying to think of an object that would be a good analogy of my life, I  thought of pebbles, stepping stones, flowers & weeds, and then one day it hit me - bricks!  Bricks are an object we can see, we can feel, bricks get damaged, need repairs, and sometimes torn down and rebuilt.  I love the look of old brick buildings, I am always amazed how long they have been standing.  The challenge of new brick architecture, if built too fast it deteriorates very quickly.  Sometimes bricks are salvaged and used to create something else.  Bricks are a good analogy of my life experiences:

 

I’ve used bricks to build a wall up, to keep people out – at an arms distance, in the thoughts that it would keep me safe from pain.  My wall bricks consisted of unhealthy relationships, self-sabotaging, fear, bad-life choices, holding in my feelings, and the list can go on.   I spent years crafting my wall, adding mortar to it, picking the perfect bricks to make sure no one was getting close to me.  My wall was so well built, but it was only serving as my own well-built prison to a life I didn’t realize I was missing.  Twenty plus years of building my wall, one final brick started the tumbling effect leaving me covered in dust and searching for a way to climb out of the rubble.  There are so many bricks {people/life events} that I craftily chose to build the wall, mortared in with the feeling of guilt, shame, abandonment, denial, it was well-built – how else could it last for 20+ years…..real craftsmanship.  

 

It was 2014 when the last brick was placed {this time not by my choice} although I did pick the person that set it.  This brick started a crumbling effect I wasn’t expecting caught entirely off guard.  I tried my typical “masks” excessive working, jumping right back into dating, drinking too much, and pretending there was nothing wrong.  It wasn’t working this time.  I had finally hit bottom and had no idea how to jump up and dust myself off –the more I tried the worst I felt.  I felt I was living the TRUE Definition of insanity, so I made a DRASTIC    change – I went to church.  It was one of the scariest moments I had in a while – I remember driving there and literally feeling a tinge sick to my stomach.  Were they going to judge me {flashbacks of the adverse childhood experiences came flooding in} thinking there is no way I can be good enough, how do I undo everything I have done?  It was crazy the conversations I was having in my head.  I got there; walked across the parking lot, and my sweet friend greeted me with a smile and a hug.  Of course my friend was the one who likes to sit up front – really?!?!  It wasn’t enough I walked through the doors.  I was moved to tears that day in church, it was the first of many tearful Sunday’s, not sure it was always the message or just years of holding back all the tears {I was the girl that didn’t cry}, I kept going back and eventually the tears stopped.  That was the beginning of making sense of the bricks I had craftily placed – creating my own self-prison, and the start of understanding the love and grace of Jesus.  Something I had never known or understood.  The fear of God was gone, and the yearning to learn was awakened.  

 

I can’t wait to share the stories, next one up, the Final Brick – I am betting I am not the only one who has picked this one.  

 

Healed by His Grace,

 

Nicole 

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