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Abandonment

 

 

A word that hit me like a TON of BRICKS while driving in rush hour traffic {that is when I do my best thinking} I suffer from abandonment issues.  I had been attending, what I like to call a personal development class for seven months and it finally hit me – the fear of abandonment had been behind so many of my life choices.  What a game changer this was.  It didn’t make my choices okay, it wasn’t a crutch to fall on or a way to blame everything wrong that had ever happened to me.  It did bring clarity to the reason and thought process behind a lot of my decisions.  Not a way of removing blame but a way of understanding me and my choices I had made and why I so carefully built the wall around me.  It was a light-bulb moment that gave me hope for my future, knowing what is behind most of my relationship decisions growing up helped me to provide myself with grace and be aware of the enemy creeping in my mind moving forward.  

 

And a flood of memories and moments in life quickly flooded in;  During my Senior year of high school, I was dating a boy my mom did not like, she wanted me to break up with him.  I was in love, or so I thought, high school crush, the first man to pay attention to me and love me for me, he didn’t have strings attached to his love – or none that I noticed.  My mom thought she was brilliant and gave me an ultimatum; break up with him or move in with my dad.  This was the middle of my senior year, and I only had 18 weeks left to graduate; I had been living in this town since 6th grade.  I shocked her with my stubbornness and independent spirit when I said okay, I’ll go live with Dad.  In the middle of my senior year, I moved in with my Dad, a man I barely knew and to a considerable town compared to where I was.  My first day of school I walked into a building that had a  “no guns allowed” sign, metal detectors, and police walking the hallways.  My dad lived in a decent neighborhood, but the schools in that area weren’t the best.  It was a great adventure for me to spend the last half of my senior year there.  The boy I loved broke up with me; the distance was too far – we lived an hour and a half apart.  But that was okay I was on to the next guy anyway.  My dad and I could never get our relationship worked out and shortly after my Senior year I moved out of his house and in with a friend. 

 

Within in one year, I had been abandoned by my mother, a boyfriend, and my father.  At the time I did not realize the significance of these events and the impacts they would have on my future.  I was Miss Independence I was not affected by this, this was just a part of life, you get up dust yourself off and move on.  Abandonment had officially become one of the key ingredients to the mortar of the self-imprisoning wall I was building.    

 

God’s grace protected me all along,

 

Nicole 

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